I have not read the book nor do I intend to; I will not see the movie. Those facts by themselves do not insulate me from exposure to and having to think about sex entwined with bondage, sadism and masochism. This state of affairs distresses me and gives lie to claims that others' personal sexual proclivities don't affect me and are, therefore, none of my business. Like a particularly noxious form of moral pollution the toxic waste products from these supposedly private practices spread through the culture. What can I, or anyone, who wants to avoid exposure to these poisons do but enclose ourselves in increasingly smaller circles of friends and acquaintances, increasingly more limited lists of programs, movies, plays, websites and publications free from obnoxious and objectionable material and discussion? In today's culture that is impossible as evidenced by fact that I am writing this post today. But that is a rant for another time.
Today's screed was prompted by commentary on the Fifty Shades phenomenon: Fifty Shades of America's New Dark Ages: why are middle aged-women funding the BDSM industry. I was struck by the second sentence of this quote (I included the first for context):
While one hand slaps us into a concussive state with false campus rape statistics, the other holds women down in classrooms, brainwashing them into believing that sexual abuse is a cultural norm. In the real world this translates into mom and dad bringing violence into the bedroom in an attempt to spice up what they’ve been led to believe must be a boring sex life. (emphasis added)together with this observation by one of participants on The View:
[Jenny] McCarthy said men should take notice of how the best-selling book, and now movie, makes women feel. “After you’ve been married for a long, which I was married for seven years, missionary style gets really boring,” she admitted. “Sometimes you want to be thrown around a little bit.”As someone who has been married five times (and counting) as long as Ms. McCarthy was, I can personally state on behalf of my wife and myself that we have no need to bring violence into our bedroom whether in the form of being "thrown around a little bit" or otherwise. If anyone feels the need for violence in a relationship something is wrong with the person or the relationship. What loving husband or wife would willingly inflict pain or discomfort on the other? In response to a request to receive or to be able to perpetrate such violence a truly loving partner would seek to help the other discover where that need came from.
For many it appears (at least from the two quotes above, an admittedly small sample) that such requests may derive from the notion of alleviating boredom in the relationship. In my view this idea of boredom results from either 1) being in a relationship with sex itself rather than being in a relationship with a person; or 2) allowing others' expectations becoming ours. This latter concern folds into my mini rant above because the pervasiveness of discussion and depictions of sex can engender discontent when our reality fails to correspond to expectations based on others' fantasies.
The solution is relatively simple. Stop thinking about sex so much. If life is boring because your sex life is not as exciting as you think it should be get a life outside of the bedroom. Cultivate your mind and your spirit. The author of the PJ Media piece cited above linked to and quoted from an article by Camila La Paglia reviewing three books about sado masochism. A comment about one of the books struck me. La Paglia describes some of the people profiled by one of the authors and notes of one couple:
Weiss's colorful cast of characters includes Lady Thendara and her husband, Latex Mustang, who spend virtually all their spare time and considerable income on an elaborate BDSM lifestyle.God has commanded us to "ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts" which Hugh Nibley interprets as not asking to consume the period of our lives in chasing our lusts. Lusts of the flesh once aroused and nurtured are difficult to control and out of control can consume all of your spare time and income (and more).
If the desire to inflict or receive pain or discomfort is not rooted in boredom, the answer is more difficult because it requires discovering the basis for the need and eliminating it. The answer is not to indulge your partner because it harms both of you. It harms the partner who indulges because by inflicting pain or discomfort you become habituated to the practice and inured to the suffering of others; and by receiving devastates your feeling of esteem and worth.
It is wrong to inflict pain or discomfort during sex no matter the desires of the other party, notwithstanding the apparently growing popularity of the practice.
